Create a Safe Space for Coming Out – Today and Every Day

by Jess Gray, LMSW, Behavioral Health Therapist, Henry Ford Health

I came out for the first time 16 years ago in the fall of my freshman year of college shortly after learning about National Coming Out Day, every year on Oct. 11. Coming out for me meant telling my mom that I am gay and being prepared to no longer be able to ask for help or have a place to live if she rejected me. I remember a sense of relief when my mom shared her acceptance. I was fortunate enough to have support from family and friends when I first expressed my identity. However, coming out did not stop there.

Coming out is an everyday choice that has to be made based on many factors, including:

• Safety: Will someone hurt me physically or emotionally if they find out about my sexuality/gender identity?
• Resources: Will someone stop helping me or deny me help, will I lose my job or an opportunity for advancement?
• Emotional support: Will they stop loving me or my friend, not want to be around me anymore?

Every time someone new is met, a decision has to be made about coming out. New neighbors, co-workers, medical staff, and more are encountered every day.

Coming out may also mean coming out to the same people but with an identity that has developed as we learn and change within ourselves. This may mean expressing a sexual orientation (lesbian) at one point in life then expressing a gender identity (non-binary) to the same set of loved ones with possibly very different reactions.

Coming out is also not just words said to another person but also living and expressing one’s self openly, including holding hands with your loved one, having a rainbow sticker on a car, expressing pronouns, and wearing clothes that match gender identity.

One of the most recent times I “came out” was openly expressing my love for my wife by choosing to call my wife "honey" instead of her name. It resulted in a homophobic slur written in the dust of my car. This experience and events like this often add to the fear that folks carry when considering coming out and living openly.

If safety, resources, and emotional support needs are high, it may not be a safe space to express oneself openly and individuals may feel they can’t come out at this time.

The worry and anxiety of coming out and expressing sexuality and gender identity is profound and an enormous daily stressor that can lead to anxiety, depression and suicide due to fear and thinking that one will never be accepted. There is a sense of loss if a person is not accepted and ongoing stress in witnessing how LGBTQ+ folks are harmed and stigmatized in the world. With greater safe spaces and affirming organizations, we can encourage folks to express themselves authentically. You can show a person they are safe with you just by taking the small step of asking for pronouns.

National Coming Out Day encourages folks to express themselves authentically and openly to both celebrate the identities of LGBTQ+ folks and express to the larger community that LGBTQ+ folks are everywhere and deserve the right to live safe, vibrant, authentic lives.