Making sense of the world today is challenging, even for adults - so kids may feel more confused than ever.
"Kids have big emotions and often don't know what to do with them," says Marcia Alston, LMSW, a licensed clinical social worker at Henry Ford Health. "They're younger, smaller and their brains aren't fully developed. They experience the same emotions as adults, but adults have many years of experience with coping and managing them. Children, however, are inexperienced. Their minds and bodies don’t know how to manage it all - even if they think they know everything."
Breaking The Ice On Tough Topics
That leaves parents at the center of every important discussion. Talking about sensitive subjects like sex, violence, racism and divorce can be uncomfortable. But the alternative — letting your child come up with their own narrative about complex issues — isn't healthy. Here are four strategies to help you tackle tough topics.
1. Keep the door wide open.
You want your children to view you as an ally in their quest to better understand the world, not someone who will judge them for their questions or concerns. "Once your kids reach their teen years, there are topics they will undoubtedly hear about — sex, drinking, drugs and violence top the list," Alston says. "By opening the lines of communication, you're teaching them the narrative you want them to have, with the understanding that they will ultimately make their own decisions."
2. Check yourself.
If you're anxious, stressed and overwhelmed, your child is likely to pick up on that. "It's important for parents to name these emotions," Alston says. "We need to normalize uncomfortable emotions with our children."
Instead of saying you’re fine, check in with your emotions and explain how you really feel. If you tell your children that you're sad, frustrated and scared, you're actually teaching them 'feeling' words, and that's important for their development. Remember, we can’t expect our children to express things we’re not willing to express ourselves. We are their first teacher. Remember, more is caught than what is taught. They pick up on your actions before they hold onto what you say.
3. Listen for cues.
Phrases like “I’m scared," "I don't understand why," or even just "why?" are clues your child is curious about something. By listening closely, you can sometimes uncover important details to help you address their concerns at an age-appropriate level.
"Don't just wipe away the tears," Alston says. "Use them as an opportunity to learn more about what your child is experiencing. Sit with your child. Don’t rush them or immediately solve the issue - allow them to process.”
4. Be honest.
The things that embarrass you most are often the things that most need to be discussed. Be honest with your children. You can even tell them you're uncomfortable having the conversation, and forge ahead anyway.
“In every instance, approaching the situation with honesty and vulnerability is key,” Alston says. Don't have an answer to the questions your child is asking? It's okay to say you don't know, but that you can help them research, explore and identify their own opinions individually.
Behavioral Health at Henry Ford
Intentional Parenting
Dismissing your child's questions and concerns can lead to big problems and unresolved emotions down the line. A better bet: Be intentional about your parenting.
"It's important to understand we can control the narrative our children receive, but only if we have the conversation," Alston says. "You want your voice to be louder than the rest of the world — and you want your kids to understand they can discuss anything with you. Remember, we don’t’ necessarily want our children to be ‘mini me’s ’ to where they don’t have their own thoughts. But we do want what we say and do to be so intentional that we are influential in our children’s lives. That way, when they’re out of our presence, they remember the principles we’ve imparted.”
Create an environment where your children feel safe sharing their experiences and asking questions. Invite your child to hop on the couch to have a discussion after watching a thought-provoking movie or play a card game that requires each family member to respond to specific "big life" questions.
Most importantly, pay attention to the following signs that could indicate your child is suffering from depression or anxiety:
- Changes in eating patterns
- Changes in sleeping patterns
- Frequent stomach aches
- Not wanting to do fun activities
- Changes in energy – being tired and sluggish or tense and restless
- Isolating themselves in their room
- Not talking to friends as much
- Increased use of language such as: I’m nervous, I’m scared, I’m ugly, no one likes me
- Increased viewing of violent or gore-filled content (TV, games, music, conversations)
- Showing self-injurious and self-destructive behavior
Talk with your child's doctor or a school psychologist or social worker about resources to help if you have concerns.
Reviewed by Marcia Alston, a behavioral health therapist and licensed clinical social worker who sees patients at Henry Ford Medical Center - Ford Road and One Ford Place in Detroit.
